What's in your head.

My life sucks. I mean, really. I'm not dying, i don't have some incurable disease or disability. But i do have anxiety. It sounds like nothing but it affects my life every single day. It makes it suck. It's improved an enormous amount since i first was told that i had it, but lately i've kinda found myself falling back into old habits. I'm avoiding people and social situations at all costs. When i feel a little anxiety coming on, instead of ignoring it or trying to push past, i let it get to me and i freak out. Last week, i was with my girlfriend in the supermarket when i felt a bit of anxiety coming on. I felt like i was floating through the isles, which sounds like fun but when i say floating, i don't mean like floating on a cloud or flying, i mean that i am so dizzy and out of it that i feel like i'm unable to walk, like my legs can't hold me up and so i'm floating, trying not to fall. Walking made me feel sick, but standing still made me feel worse. When i was still, i could feel everything. All of the dizziness and floating feelings were all still along with me, still somehow all hitting me hard and fast. We stopped to look at something and it was too much for me, i said i needed something from the next isle and i would get it while she stayed there, so i could move, so i could try and fight through it. It didn't work. I tried to rush her, while trying to hide the horrible feelings that i had going on inside of my head. Eventually she walked away, believing an excuse that she made up for me and i agreed to, while knowing it wasn't true. I left the supermarket to wait outside and sent her a text message. I couldn't tell her to her face, as much as she understands, she doesn't need this again. As i waiting outside, i felt worse. I was alone, i should've been calm but all i wanted to do was run. I wish i knew what i was running from. Was it the cold sensation the moves through my body, just before the hot flush comes? No. It couldn't be. That doesn't make sense. Or maybe it was just so i could feel.. something other than this. I wish i could remember what happiness felt like, without something in the back of my mind telling me that it won't last long. I wish i could feel sadness, without being depressed. I need to feel again.

I need to fight this, it can't go back to what it was.